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GOLD BARS & JAGUARS (Script Teaser)

INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

Morning. Warehouse at Heathrow.

SUBTITLE: 26th November 1983 DAY OF THE ROBBERY James, MAD MICKY, MULE, AVALON and the COLONEL, wearing balaclavas and stockings over their faces and with sawn off shotguns and base ball bats and carrying a can of petrol, run into a warehouse and take SECURITY GUARDS by surprise.

One of the Gang is James, who the gang call, Mustafa.

AVALON

Down on the floor – get down on the floor!

The Gang tape up the Security Guards with gaffer tape.

The BLACK WIDOW is dragged apart from the others.

James presses a button and lifts up a roller shutter inside the warehouse.

JAMES

Fuck! There’s a safe.

AVALON

Well, of course there’s a fucking safe, what did you expect, three million quid just sat in the middle of a warehouse floor? We’re bank robbers, Mustafa, where you find bank robbers, you normally find safes.

A pallet of used bank notes sits in the middle of warehouse wrapped in brown paper.

JAMES

Yeah, but look at the fucker. It’s the size of the Queen bloody Mary!

They look in ore at size of safe.

The COLONEL drops his crowbar. The sound echoes around the room as it hits the floor.

COLONEL

When you said a fucking safe, I thought you meant a bloody safe, one I could jimmy open, not a fucking fortress.

THE BLACK WIDOW

It is a safe Colonel.

COLONEL

My names not fucking Oddball, neither do I have a Tiger tank outside to blow the bloody door open!

THE BLACK WIDOW

Okay, so it’s a big safe, it’s still just a safe.

BULLY BOY bends down and picks up the crowbar. He walks towards the BLACK WIDOW, passing the pallet stacked high with wrapped used bank notes.

BULLY BOY

I am going to shove this up your jacksy, hook it around your intestines, and rip them out all over the fucking floor, you moron!

AVALON

We’re buggered boys, we should get the hell out of here. Three million in cash between seven ain’t worth this shit!

Avalon sits on pallet of used bank notes.

BULLY BOY

Buggered Avalon? Buggered? Buggered means to be done up the arse, to have a penis inserted into your bottom! Do you feel like you have a penis inserted in your bottom right now – because I am thinking larger, much larger, like a full on anal assault with that fork lift over there. That’s how buggered we are.

They look at the Fork Lift Truck.

MULE looks at James.

MULE

Why would they have a fork lift truck in here, Mustafa?

Because it’s a warehouse Mule, and in warehouses they have fork lifts, okay?

MAD MICKY

Have you ever seen three million in cash, it don’t fit in a suitcase Mule, it’s probably on a pallet.

AVALON

Now what do we do?

BULLY BOY

I tell you what we do – we stop with the ‘negative waves’ as Oddball would say, and work out a solution. Come on, lads, were in here!

The Fork Lift Truck starts up.

The Gang turn round towards the sound.

Mad Micky is on it.

MAD MICKY

I’ll get the fucker open. I’ll ram the bastard!

COLONEL

Well this is going to hurt.

The Fork Lift Truck hits the safe at 15mph.

It comes to an instant halt.

Mad Micky flies off the front and hits his head on the safe, knocking himself out cold.

JAMES

Now I know why they call him Mad Micky.

The Colonel walks up to SECURITY GUARD #1 with his sawn off shot gun and puts it in his face.

JAMES (CONT’D)

Not the sawn off, it’s too messy.

James whispers in Mules ear to fetch the Glock out from the Jaguar.

EXT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

Mule goes to the Jaguar in the car-park – looking around him all the time.

INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY – MOMENTS LATER

Mule places the Jaguar’s dashboard clock in James’s hand.

MULE

Sorry – took me a minute to get it out.

JAMES

What the fuck is this, Mule?

MULE

You said to get the clock out of the Jag!

JAMES

Glock. I said Glock, Mule! What am I supposed to do with a clock? I wanted to shoot him, not tell him the fucking time!

MULE

Sorry.

JAMES

Have you left a hole in my dash?

You know how much I love that Jag.

MULE

I thought it was stolen!

JAMES

It is. That’s why I stole it, because I like it.

MULE

Sorry. You sure you said Glock?

BULLY BOY

I have had enough of this shit.

BULLY BOY grabs SECURITY GUARD #2 and drags him over.

He opens a can of petrol, pours the fuel all over the guard.

Bully Boy throws the empty petrol can aside.

BULLY BOY (CONT’D)

One of you bastards knows the combination, now is the time to tell me!

Bully Boy pulls back the gaffer tape on the mouth of Security Guard #2.

BULLY BOY (CONT’D)

Well – do I have to light a match?

JAMES

Damn it man, NO! I don’t want murder on my hands, this wasn’t the plan.

Bully Boy walks over to James. He punches him to the ground.

Bully Boy lights a match.

BULLY BOY

I mean it you fuckers. There’s three million behind them doors and I want my share, now tell me the combination or this time, I’ll do it!

Security Guard #2 eyes widen in fear.

He shouts out the code (make up code for actor), Bully Boy smirks and blows out the match.

Mad Micky opens the safe.

MAD MICKY

See – told you I would get in there.

Mule moves off the pallet.

Some of the cash opens on the floor.

MULE

Hey, Mustafa – this pallet is only full of cash. We don’t need to move those brass bars to get to the cash in there.

JAMES

Brass bars, Mule! That’s gold bars!

INT. VAULT – MOMENTS LATER

James, Mule and Avalon enter the vault and push the bags of cash off the gold that sits beneath it.

Beneath one bag, is a case of uncut diamonds. They fall to the floor, opening and scattering like marbles.

JAMES

What the fuck!

James looks around at the other gang members.

JAMES (CONT’D)

We’ve fucking done it, lads. We’ve only fucking done it. This is the big one!

MAD MICKY

Yerhoo, no one can stop us now.

 

 

A teaser of the bonus chapter written today for the Kindle version of UTTERLEY RIDICULOUS!016

Charles was behind the op’s desk keeping an eye on staff. Unfortunately for Charles Gertie was on duty. Gertie was forty five years old, five foot tall, seventeen stone woman, who had a crush on Charles! Gertie thinking she was god’s gift to the male population of the UK, just loved to tease Charles, she always wore a corset, and if it wasn’t a cleavage Charles was getting in his face it was Gerties thong! The sight was one that sickened Charles to the bottom of his gut, several times a day he would find himself confronted with the crack! The crack was an abyss, a void in Gerties rear which revealed itself every time she bent over, and as she bent over there was the thong, this thin piece of stitched fabric no wider than half a centimetre that went from her waistband down into this crevice, where it disappeared only to be seen again by someone on the same par as James T Kirk and Mr Spock , those who would boldly go where no man has gone before, or would want to for that!
As she bent down closer to the floor the thong would tighten and pull into the crevice, disappearing like a fisherman’s line in the water. One could almost see the stitching distressing under the strain. Charles had often commented to Dave that when faced with such torture to stand well back as should the stitching resonate to Gertie release of wind, then the string could fail taking off their heads as it swishes through the air like Calamity Jane’s whip!